Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Same spot, different mindset

I found myself at the same spot once again.
The same spot that has left me feeling used and defeated.
But this time around was different.
This time I had this energy within me that embraced the embarrassment,
It embraced that moment.
Instead of filling my veins up with the ever so lethal sadness, the type of sadness that tears up a persons heart.
It filled my veins up with this strength.
No anger escaped me, I was completely okay.
Instead of feeling alone, I felt at peace.
It's then that I finally let the truth sink in....
And that is that I bring this upon myself, I allow myself to continue this loop.
This loop that I thought I finished a long time ago but I apparently didn't.
That moment, walking in the cold, in pure silence.
That moment my mind didn't play tricks, and it didn't rip me to shreds either.
It stayed calm and collected.
My body was calm and collected.
Despite it being cold, I felt warm.
My mind pointed out the fact that I am the problem, therefore I am the solution.
It pointed out that in order to live the life I've fantasizes about,
I must go and fucking get it.
It reminded me that I was my own worst enemy..
that I have the power within myself to break the cycle of this tireless burnt out routine.
That routine just doesn't fit me anymore

Sunday, January 31, 2016

October 31st, 2014

I'd never thought my life would be where it's at today. I just want to say how incredibly content and blessed to know I am exactly where I am at and where I am supposed to be. These past 3 years of my life have been a huge roller coaster for me, but honestly what life isn't? What I am about to finally completely open up about is a part of my life I'd never thought would happen to me, and after it happened I never thought I'd move on from, but I started the process of healing from this tragic incident about 8 months ago. I can't tell you I'm over it or that I ever will be. But I can say the emotional wounds I received from this incident will become permanent scars that I can comfortably carry the rest of my life. Life is about lessons. Life is about learning. Sometimes we have to get scared straight to really realize how phenomenal life can be. That's the case for me...

On October 31st 2014, my life along with my family, and my friends life along with his family was flipped upside down. 

On the 30th of October I had plans to take my nephews to the Frightdome. Me being all about myself and only thinking of ME that night I bailed and decided to go to a house show and my friends bonfire. I bought a 40oz and headed to the house show, having a good time. Catching up with old friends. Afterwards was the bonfire, I picked up two more 40oz's and headed to the bonfire. After months of not going out and socializing it felt great to be there. The party dimmed down and before I knew it it was 4 something in the morning, And there was just the four of us. My car was the only one there. So the plan was that I would drive the three of them to my friends car and he would take them home. I didn't have any room in my backseat due to all of my clothes and belonging stuffed back there. So one of them took the passenger seat, and the remaining two sat on my trunk. No big deal right? We were literally not even going a mile away.. I drive down from Sahara circle, and turn left on to the street my friend parked his car. I look back and realize that they weren't on my trunk anymore. Thinking they may have jumped off, I tell my passenger and we get out the car and start walking back up towards Sahara circle. We see one of them walking towards us with scratches all over his face... He then said he didn't know where our friend (the other person on the trunk) was at, in that moment I looked over and saw him faced down. We run to him, and tried talking to him. No words, just moans. I flip him over and the back of his head hit my chest, while we continued to try to talk to him. I looked to see if he had any head injuries and as I did I saw my shirt had blood all over it. I found where the gash in his head was and started to apply pressure. The other person that was riding on the trunk took over and held him. I grabbed my unconscious friends hand and told him to grip my hand if he could hear me, in that moment he opened his eyes, and his eyes rolled back. Still no words, more unforgettable moaning. My phone was dead, and they couldn't find their phones so I reached in my friends pocket and called 911. They show up, they take both of them (who were riding on the trunk) to the hospital... And me and the passenger were on the curb answering questions. I failed all the sobriety tests and I was on my way to jail.. When I got there, they took blood, asked more questions, and as they were about to take my mugshot, one of the police officers says "Oh, you haven't been charged with the D.U.I death yet.." My legs went numb, my world crashed. My heart shattered. After the picture was taken they put me in holding. The police officers sat me down and told me that my friend didn't die, but he was on life support. He was hooked to a machine to stay alive. Without that machine he would die. All I could think about was his family getting that call, his family feeling pain. 
Calling my mom from jail had to have been the worst feeling because I know the pain I put on her. And not just her, my whole family. I remember speaking with a family friend/attorney and getting told I could be facing 20 years. But that didn't hit me, that didn't mean anything to me. What meant the most was that someone could lose their life because I didn't stop it. I didn't say no, I drove. I was in jail for a week. When I was released there was still no word on how my friend was doing. If he was off of life support, if he was okay, nothing. My mind couldn't wrap around what was going on. Like I said I was numb. Finally after a couple of weeks, news was out that he was okay. He survived. He was going to be able to still live, love, experience life. In my surprise, he didn't hate me. I had prepared myself for the hatred he would have for me and there was none. 
That gave me faith but not enough faith to fight the demons that burdened me on a daily basis. How could I let this happen? How could I erase the image of my unconscious friend right in front of me . How could I wash off the blood that was on my fingers the first couple days in jail, completely. How could I live with myself knowing I was apart of this, that I could've changed something and he wouldn't have had to go through this. 
But then how could I be so selfish? I wasn't the one who almost lost their life..I wasn't the one in the hospital hooked on life support! It was a constant battle in my head for months upon months. I wanted to drown them out. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think about it. It wasn't until I started probation and really started to began to deal. 
Today, my friend that almost lost his life is one of my good friends today. Blessing. What a blessing. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have him in my life. His positivity, his energy, his beautiful spirit enlightens me every time we hang out. 

Today, I feel like I have a life again. I feel again. My higher power brought clarity into my life and a handful of amazing women to go with it. Along with close friendships with people whom I love and that love me back. I feel like I just started actually living because for years I felt like I was just getting by, just surviving. I have full faith in my future. I have full faith in my heart that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. And most importantly I have love in my heart again. I'm not the angry, spiteful person I used to be anymore. I have forgiveness within me and opening myself up to all of that has brightened up my life. I'm present and not just physically but mentally. 

I've heard it all from this situation. I've been judged, I've had low blows shot at me about this situation. I've been looked at sideways, I've been talked about. And at first it would all get to me. I would break down, I would get deeper and deeper into my dark state of mind. Today that's not the case. What I have today is acceptance. Acceptance of what happened. The low blows don't touch me anymore because I know what happened that night, I went through and still go through every emotion from that night. I still relive it in my head. But like I said the love that I allowed to enter my life and the lesson I learned from this incident to not take life for granted has changed my life and my perspective.
My life is a blessing. His life is a blessing. This incident could've went another direction but our higher power had a different plan, it took me months to figure it out but I'm glad I did. 

I am not defined by what's on my record, nor what people think negatively about me. I am much more than that, and today I see it.

(Btw, I left out the names of those involved for their privacy.)